Don’t let anyone live rent-free in your head

Sherri T.

These are the wise words of Fran, mother-in-law of dear friend Carol. While her advice is definitely wise, it’s also more easily said than done.

 For some reason, it’s easier to dwell on the negative than the positive. We may have trouble recalling the details of good times but will most certainly remember the bad.

Turns out, there is good reason.  There is definitely method to our madness.

Emerging research has found that negative feelings trigger more brain activity than positive experiences.  Emotionally-charged incidents are etched in memory in greater detail than happy events.  

Blame evolution. Our brains program themselves to avoid similar danger or anguish in future.

Our brains apparently have a mind of their own. Who knew?

But there’s a fine line between self-preservation and self-destruction. Negative thoughts can easily take over.

Someone may say something hurtful. The message may be serious or said in jest. 

Either way, the words didn’t go down well and they don’t seem to be disappearing from our thoughts any time soon. Words carry meaning – and they can be mean.

Or someone may disapprove of our choices. Like it or not, our self-esteem is affected by others’ opinions ­- the continual messages and signals that shape who we are and what we’d like to be. 

“Queen B.” Beyoncé has some wise advice on this front: “You don’t have to depend on somebody else telling you who you are.”

Research is also emerging on so-called “emotional contagion,” which shows that we are affected by the moods of those close to us.  Their troubles become our troubles.  Their anxiety becomes our angst.  Their panic becomes our pain (and their pain may become our panic).

In a nutshell, Fran was telling Carol that she needed to make a conscious decision to take control of her thoughts.  She needed to become the driver, instead of the passenger, in her own life.  

Moreover, dwelling on the negative is a double negative.  It makes us feel bad and it diverts precious time from the good.

“Don’t let anybody live rent-free in your head” is heady advice.  Unless, of course, they are paying the rent with love and respect.