It’s not a necessity

Sherri T.

“It’s not a necessity” were the wise words of Becky, the mother of my friend Sharon. Becky would say this when Sharon was growing up and would ask for a new dress, pair of shoes or _____ (fill in the blank with an item of your choice).

Becky was clearly refusing the request of her child. So why are her words considered wise?

Some would say it was her way of teaching her children that it wasn’t necessary to have a lot of things and new things, in particular, to be happy and healthy. 

Becky would certainly be praised by many today, including clutter killer Marie Kondo, who are concerned about the prevailing possession obsession. We are drowning in too many things that we just don’t need. Reduce and reuse should replace acquire and accumulate. 

But it’s unlikely that Becky was a less-is-more convert. In her day, newcomers to the country would have been only too happy to adhere to the more-is-more philosophy.

It’s more likely that Becky was telling her children the family couldn’t afford the purchase. She would have arrived in the country with few possessions, only those she could pack into a few crates. Money was at a premium. Literally every penny counted – and had to be counted. 

Instead of saying “we can’t afford this,” she advised her children that the item they wanted was not really essential. Her approach was a variation of the clever-mother strategy in which mothers work creatively with words to say one thing but mean something else. 

Bonnie’s mother Doris would tell her kids: “It would be nice if you….”  Translation: “You had better do this.”

Michelle’s mother Ray would ask: “Do you want to make hydro rich?” Translation: “Turn off the lights   right now.”

Jeffrey’s grandmother Sadie would say: “When your grandmother is your grandfather.” Translation: “No. Not ever.”

Becky was wise in that she didn’t want her kids to worry about the family finances. Rather than say they didn’t have the funds for this purchase, she focused instead on their need for the potential purchase.

She chose her words carefully for the one-two punch. Divert and distract. Clever mother.