Rely only on yourself

Sherri T.

“Don’t count on anyone to do things for you. Rely only on yourself.” These were the wise words of the mother of WOOM reader Rose L. 

 WOOM reader Barbie S. sent a similar expression: “Never rely on anyone. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself.”

The mother of colleague Elizabeth W. went even further on the self-reliance ride. She would say: “Never have more children than you can raise on your own.” Unfortunately, Elizabeth’s mother had not had an easy time raising several children as a single parent.

I must admit that, at first, I had some difficulty with the rely-only-on-yourself message. Our lives actually have meaning only to the extent that they are rich in relationships.

These relationships come with expectations that involve love, caring and kindness. They typically provide safety, sanctuary and security. They also include small gestures, like providing a missing orange for a recipe or lending a blender required to make that new cake.

In fact, what would our lives be if we could not rely on family, friends and neighbors for these things, both big and little?

Rose’s mother probably didn’t intend to minimize the importance of relationships and our need for connectedness. So what does the rely-only-on-yourself message really mean? She was probably encouraging Rose to be more independent.

 Self-reliance sends an important note to self. You are strong. You are capable. You are confident.

And if you aren’t confident now, you likely will be (somewhat more) self-assured once you have mastered a certain challenge.

My mother had a different way of encouraging me to be self-reliant. She would often say: “Don’t expect anything from anybody and you will never be disappointed.” Now I must admit her advice disappointed me. Why shouldn’t I expect someone to help me if I have done something for them? 

I realize now, many years later, that my mother may have been telling me two things. First, don’t place expectations on others that may create stress for them. Second, don’t minimize your own ability.

All these mothers’ words add up to a significant and powerful equation: self-reliance equals self-respect, the very heart of our well-being.