The four-hour rule

Sherri T.

Stay no more than four hours for dinner. These are the wise words of my friend Victoria.

 It was some time before I actually heard those words. But she certainly practised them religiously.

 Victoria and her husband came for dinner one evening at 7:00 pm. In the middle of an interesting (so I thought) conversation, I noticed she gave her husband a special signal that he immediately understood. He quickly wound up his response to my comments and they both stood up to leave.

 Did I say something offensive? Nonsensical? Of little redeeming value?  No (maybe?).

 But it was 11:00 pm. Exactly four hours from the minute they stepped in the door. I had no idea at the time about the “four-hour rule.”

 The next invitation was enlightening. A beautiful summer evening. Warm, comfortable, relaxing. Lively discussion – and then Victoria gave her husband the shoulder signal. Time to go.

 I had no idea why such a pleasant evening was ending so abruptly. My conversation in the later evening must be decidedly boring or inappropriate. Maybe both.

When Victoria called to say thank you for a lovely dinner, I ventured to say we were sorry they had left so early. She replied: “My mother always said to stay no longer than four hours from the time you arrive. You never want overstay your welcome. The hosts have spent hours preparing and still have to face a kitchen full of dirty dishes.”

 Now I personally have never been big on etiquette requirements. But Victoria’s four-hour rule is significant because it is invoked for a special reason: consideration for the host. To respect the people who have worked hard to make you feel welcome.

 Her code of conduct is actually a code of concern. That’s definitely my kind of rule. 

 I subsequently learned that Victoria’s code is even more complicated than I originally understood. Four hours for dinner. (Never more than ten minutes late without calling to allow time for last-minute adjustments.) Three hours for lunch. Two hours for drinks. 

 I have yet to learn the rule for a one-hour visit. But I have extended a 60-minute invitation to Victoria to find out.